Bridging the generational gap with gender identity

“You guys come up with new pronouns everyday.”
“Saying you are gay is just cool these days - kids don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“What is bisexual? Pick a side and stick to it!”
“Everything has to be so politically correct these days?”

While Gen X pride themselves as the truly progressive generation, having conquered monumental prejudices and blatant homophobia of the previous generations, how common have these refrains become in every household or drawing room? Who would have thought that the generational gap would raise its ugly head again, on a matter as simple as gender identity? These refrains from sneaking their way into conversations like immediate kill switches, ready to constrict any eloquent logic or eagle-eyed analogy one may have thought of. How do you even respond to these? And are these blanket statements really true? 

For most younger people on the other side of these conversations, the immediate comeback is outrage, frustration and pure horror that somebody could think this way. But what we need to remember is, ignorance is not hatred. From the language to the mindset, every outlook differs with age, whether it can be a difference in terminology (the separation of gender and sex, for example) or differing levels of acceptance (often, older generations tend to be biphobic even if they aren’t homophobic).

Most older individuals who are willing to hold these conversations don’t come from the homophobia of our peers—the podcast bros and Andrew Tate fans, or the hateful rhetoric you see on social media. Entertaining these dialogues is a sign of an olive branch, of wanting to learn. Immediate hostility can alienate people from the conversation as well, making it easier for fence-sitters to buy into hateful rhetoric or sink further into the ‘angry woke’ narratives. Younger generations do write off older generations as bigots or change-averse curmudgeons, even when they say phrases that come from ignorance, i.e. "I’ve never heard of the word bisexual" or getting confused about someone’s pronouns. Most parents would actually say that while they wish to be supportive, they simply do not understand the words and expressions, and that is where the generational gap becomes a chasm. 

There are kernels of value in these conversations that benefit us as well - not everything is outdated, overly conservative or out of touch. Gen Z could benefit from knowing the traditions and cultures of their countries, especially since so much of youth media consumption is Western-centric. Even if the traditions and cultures propagated by older generations may not always be palatable or agreeable to the younger generations, they may better tailor discourse and their conceptual understandings while conversing with their parents. 

Older generations become defensive when they don’t have a grasp on ever-evolving understanding of gender ideas and concepts. But, if our parents and grandparents believe that they are making the effort to engage with these concepts, they must maintain this openness throughout the conversation to actually have constructive debates. Ignorance of basic terminology and persistence of internalised stereotypes are not helpful in bridging this gap. Education on these fundamentals of gender identity may be key.  

Is gender binary?

One of the structural systems that define our society is the gender binary. The world is divided into boy and girl, blue and pink, pants and skirt, buzzcut and bangs since birth. However, gender is not binary. It is a spectrum. Gender identities range outside just ‘male’ and ‘female’ and are non-conforming to this binary. This simply means they don’t conform to the prescribed traits a ‘woman’ or a ‘man’ is supposed to feel. Their identity feels more right when they break this binary and identify under a different label. Often, actions that subvert gender norms don’t have to be a change of identity (a man wearing a dress could still identify as a man because that is still the identity that feels right to him). Identities can vary from ‘non-binary,’ where the individual does not identify as male or female, to ‘transgender’, where the individual is no longer the gender they were assigned at birth. What are some ways you adhere to binary gender norms? Have you perpetuated these in any small ways in your homes? 

Are sex and gender different?

Many of the expressions of gender (fashion, pronouns, appearance etc.) are not related to biological sex (although biological sex is also not strictly binary, as intersex people may be born with different sexual characteristics). For example, your ability to wear makeup has nothing to do with whether you have female sex organs or not. But wearing makeup is largely socially acceptable only for women. Often, the gender norm can go against your biological sex features—for example, having body hair, which many women are pressured into removing. This means that gender is not inherently linked to biological sex. We are then left with two different concepts—the expression, and the bodily parts. We call the outward expression/inner feeling ‘gender’ and the biological aspect ‘sex.’ 

Is sexuality a choice?

A common misunderstanding is that your sexual orientation is a ‘lifestyle choice’ or ‘a fixable problem.’ Sexuality is not a choice. It is a result of genetics, environmental factors and hormone development. The idea that you choose to be gay, or choose to be straight leads to the belief that you can simply ‘change’ your sexuality (or go to conversion camp!) and avoid any and all social stigma, religious ostracisation and ‘dishonour’ you bring to your family. Rather, it is not something you choose or can change on command. Think about it: did you choose to be straight? Could you choose to be gay?

Is it just a phase?

It is not uncommon to hear the words ‘It’s just a phase!’ or ‘You’re just confused!’ thrown around when someone, usually but not always a minor, comes out. When someone explores their gender or sexual identity, it’s dismissed as ‘experimenting,’ which will end with reversion to the hetero norm. It’s important to note that sexuality and gender are fluid concepts. The way you look at your identity, as well as the way you are attracted to others, is constantly changing. This means that people may change their labels throughout their lives, which doesn’t invalidate their past experiences. 

Is it cool/contagious to be gay?

There are a lot of suspicions that many people ‘believe’ they’re gay because of their peer groups, or because of media influences. However, it should be noted that despite growing support for the queer community, there is still rampant homophobia and anti-queer beliefs. It is unusual to see someone choosing to put up with stigma and possible ostracisation just because of perceived social sway. However, even if somebody does think they’re gay because their peers are LGBTQ+, it’s always okay to experiment. It just allows them to know themselves better and be more secure in their sexuality. 

Is the queer movement a fad?

There is a tendency to view the queer community as something that just sprung up in the past few decades. While media awareness and the movement for equality may have gained traction in recent years, queer people have been around for centuries. From Alexander the Great to Shikhandi, ancient texts and myths have chronicled queerness for centuries.  In Indian history especially, we can see the Hijra community or Ardhanarishvara, both of which dispute the rigid gender norms in the world today. Carvings in the Ajanta and Ellora caves show distinct same-sex relations with no condemnation or rejection. This discrimination is an import via colonialism, derived from Christianity. It is not homosexuality that is Western or new—but rather, homophobia. Queer people have always been here, whether they were accepted or not.

It’s important to allow these conversations to be channels in which both kinds of information can be exchanged - evolve the traditions and ground the evolution. Awareness can only be reached through education and discussion.

Text by Kaavya Mukherjee Saha